Period drama, Anemia and Depression.

I have been mia for a what feels like weeks, I have just been struggling with what feels like depression again. I briefly mentioned in a previous post about my irregular period that went on for about two weeks. I figured it was probably a side effect from the surgery so I just let it run its course. Thirteen days later I began spotting again…. and just like last time it’s not my usual flow (sorry if this is tmi) so now I was wondering if maybe my iud (I have the copper one that lasts up to ten years) had something to do with this aqward flow.

My period is typically about five or six days. Well today is day six and I don’t think I will be ending neither today or tomorrow 😪. So, I went to my doctor’s office and her fill in was able to see me. After asking me some questions and light blood work she decided to order an ultrasound of my uterus (it has to be vaginal so fml) to see if maybe my birth control moved or if I have non cancerous tumors in my uterus called Fibroids.

Then I went over some symptoms I have been feeling, and I described how all this is stressing and overwhelming me, she feels that I need to see my counselor and possibly start some antidepressants/anxiety medications.

Here were some of my symptoms (I have a few follow ups to see if it’s my spinal arthritis or depression causing these symptoms)

-emotional, crying often, and sometimes crying alone.

-extreemely sleepy super hard to get out of bed in the mornings.

-forgetfullness

-loosing train of thought

-slurred and jumbled speech

The list goes on but these are what I told my doctor’s fill in.

Also at today’s check up I found out I am anaemic….AGAIN 😫.

Lord help me because I just want to throw in the towel. I’m grateful that I was able to recognize some of the depression symptoms, what helped me was I wrote down the symptoms I was feeling so I wouldn’t forget to tell my doctor and when I took a step back and read it I knew it was depression creeping up on me again but, this time with vengeance.

I have an inner battle with myself every day and I do my best to fight off negative thoughts and negative images of myself but let’s be real. Fighting can get frustrating and sometimes I just want to let it consume me. But my children remind me that I don’t have time to allow myself to drown. I MUST STAY AFLOAT.

♡ Remember just because someone is smiling on the outside, or laughs often or just looks completely fine and dandy doesn’t mean their doing alright always check in on your loved ones.

God Bless and much love for taking the time to read my blog.

-irene ❤

Flare Ups and Heavy Clouds

For two weeks now I have been dealing with a flare up that is slowly creeping up on me its such a gloomy feeling when it happens I’m not sure if it’s the super rainy and windy cold days, but it feels like the world is too bright and I just want to hide in my dark cave rolled into my blanket, but I have kids. As much as I want to hide away I can not, I want to be cheery and upbeat and I fight myself to feel such happiness. Happiness shouldn’t feel like a battle, yet it does and its a tiresome fight.

For the past two weeks my hands all the way up to my arms have been going numb. In one night it happens up to three times and it is super painful. They start to feel very numb and tingly and then they tense up as if their recovering from a cramp or something. Although the hand numbing tingling sensation is not new the fact that it has been happening every night for two weeks straight is definitely new. It is making it painful for me to hold things, write, text, type and even do my make up which is just emotionally dragging me down. Make up is my absolute favorite hobby when I’m having a bad day I turn to my make up to keep me busy to explore new color combinations and just for pleasure and this is ruining it.

These painful nights are causing for lack of sleep and it’s getting in the way of my parenting, my daughter wanted to play earlier and she had such a rough day at school (or in her three year old mind she did lol) and she wanted some mommy and me time and I was pushing myself to play with her, but I could literally feel my eyes weighing down. I get mad at myself when I am too tired to play with my kids or if I’m in too much pain. I just hope they don’t resent me when they grow up.

Since I just had surgery last week I still feel crappy and I’ve also been having a flare up on the top of my  spine doing the same thing as my hands except instead on just at night this is constant and it is super frustrating. I’m trying to stay optimistic and I hope I will continue to get answers because this is turning into two years now with this pesky illness and I am so use to the pain that I am forgetting what it’s like to live with out pain. I feel as if I sound like a broken record always complaining about one of my bones and the fatigue I’m in. I am starting to feel like a burden on my family and loved ones.

I can only pray for more answers and hope that their is something to treat it. I am trying my absolute best to push through it and stay optimistic. Much love and thanks for reading. If their is another mom out their or just another person that is as young as me and is going through something similar situation reach out and know you aren’t alone. If your a mom going through this or any illness weather it be physical or mental you are SUPERWOMAN.

-Irene

My Pregnancy and Delivery with my Daughter

Devine

I was recently thinking about my kids deliveries, since my daughter will be four next week I can’t help remember when she was born. I miss my little girl being so itty bitty. My pregnancy with my daughter was fairly smooth other than the morning sickness for the first five months. I remember telling my pregnancy nurse that I was already feeling quizzy and I was only five weeks pregnant and she assured me that it wasn’t possible, she had said I wouldn’t start feeling that way until at least seven weeks pregnant. I was working at the time and my job required a TON of walking. I was doing my rounds at work and all of a sudden I felt the urge to throw up and I had turned seven weeks pregnant and by nine in the morning I was vomiting and this would continue to happen almost every day for the next 3 months.

Because of all my morning sickness I lost a lot of weight I was actually thinner pregnant then before baby lol, but I had also lost a lot of nutrients and needed more potassium in my diet, so that was nice but at a shitty cost. I was very active during this pregnancy I walked a bunch, I was an industrial janitor so I did a lot of lifting and I was always on my feet. I did not start getting swollen feel until my maternity leave maybe because once i was on leave I spent most of my days in bed watching novelas and eating cereal lol.

My skin was glowing and my hair was full and luscious, I miss that pregnancy hair. It wasn’t a smooth ride completely but for the most part it was perfect. For the most part I managed to stay healthy, I unfortunately got a yeast infection that caused spotting early in the pregnancy which really scared me, I was worried I was going to miscarry again but thank God it was just a minor (embarrassing but normal) infection. When I was 16 weeks pregnant I got a horrible cold that led to a really bad fever but I made the trip to the ER and was put on IV and given some medications and baby was safe.

My little mamas became super comfy in my womb, I went into my weekly check up to see if I was dilated and I was not dilated one bit. Baby was in position but wasn’t planning on making her debut. when I finally reached 40 weeks and nothing was happening my doctor decided to schedule and inducement date. I was scheduled to be induced at 41 weeks.

I tried every possible safe hack to get things moving except the castor oil theory because it is very dangerous for both mom and baby. I tired walking quickly, eating spicy food, jumping and bouncing on a yoga ball but nothing was happening lol. Inducement day came and the day was very chill. I was scheduled for seven in the evening, so I ate showered I even did my hair and make up (don’t judge me lol but it stayed intact and surprised the nurses lmao!) I packed my stuff and made the 40 minute drive with my mom and little sister to the hospital. I was nervous but not in any pain. I arrived and checked in, the nurse came to prepare the inducement medication and checked to see if I still wasn’t dilated and of course I was only once cm dilated lol my baby was just to comfy.

I was given (via vaginal insert) Petocin, I’m not sure if I spelled that right but it was very uncomfortable to insert and it stung really bad. I was told that it takes almost twelve hours for the medicine to take effect so the doctor went home and thought I would be in labor around nine in the morning but as usual that was not the case for me lol. The contractions began less then an hour later and I just began going into labor, every hour I opened another centimeter and the pain was excruciating. I remember screaming and crying and constantly apologizing to the nurse’s for being so loud. I refused the epidural and instead I accepted a medicine through IV to help me sleep in between contractions I only got 2 doses because the baby’s heart rate began to slow down so after seven cm I was on my own and I had to push through it.

Everything went so fast, my doctor had to rush over because I began screaming that the baby was ready to come and the nurse’s didn’t believe me because they weren’t expecting the baby for another six hours. My doctor was at home but thankfully lived 2 minutes away they immediately called her and told her baby was coming!. My doctor hadn’t arrived yet and all of a sudden a huge splash hit the floor my water had broke and I began screaming that I need to push now! The nurse assured me that she could deliver the baby and as soon as the team was in position my doctor came running in and began asking me questions and I just yelled “I don’t know but the baby is coming right now!” and in three pushes my bundle of joy was born. My little Devine seven pounds nineteen inches.

-irene

This Mombie’s Fine Thank You.

Anxiety can be such a neausance it can make your stomach flip upside down or it can have you stare at yourself in a mirror and hate what you see. Anxiety is a demon and when you have emotional turmoil or when life isn’t going as planned anxiety baries itself into you.

It feels as if a dark heavy blanket that weighs a ton, drops itself on my back and trying to fight inner demons and be a functioning mom or adult can be an ugly thing.

I was recently told that “I have been mean to my kids all month” and it was a horrible thing to hear. This person told me I let my emotional turmoil inter fear with my parenting. When. I heard that my heart sank, everything I do is for my kids and to hear from some one close to me that I am basically failing “this month” as a mom just ripped my heart out of my chest.

I told myself I would never let my personal struggles reflect in my parenting yet here I am.

Then I took a step back and put everything in perspective, my daughter has been extremely rude and disrespectful lately and I needed to put my foot down, my son has been crying for reasons that I am not sure of and I keep my composure and always TRY to be tender to his little emotions but LET’S BE REAL screaming and crying and body slamming sessions can begin to become played out and the yelling mom comes out. 😪

I am so hard on myself as most moms are I do anything and everything for my kids and to the person that attempted to make me feel like a shitty mom. FUCK YOU 😘

I’m human and I have soooo much on my plate. I am human but I love my children to the stars and back and I do everything necessary for them I am doing a damn good job.

Don’t let any one tell you mombies your anything less then a bomb ass mama 💕.

-Irene

Little Papa’s Move

It has been a busy week for my little guy, he was sick last week and we moved into a new home this month now we live with my parents and sisters, all those changes caused him to have a tough last few weeks that caused for sleepless nights and many, many tantrums. But this week has been interesting, he has been doing better with communicating and copying sounds (he has a speech disorder) I hear him play with his toys and saying so many more words now and copying many new sounds it just warms my heart.

His therapist has been out all week for Christmas break so this week he had 2 fill in therapists and sometimes it’s a hit or miss. He will play with them but have a couple meltdowns or he won’t follow their lead in their curriculum for him, but this week he followed their leads and really enjoyed his sessions which makes me even happier that he is more open to playing with other people because it means his separation anxiety is become nonexistent 😁.

My son is guna start the new year with his regular behavior therapy but will also start speech and at the rate he is going I have a feeling he will surprise us with his progress, soon he will be speaking 4 word sentences and I just can’t wait. ❤

-Irene

This Christmas

Christmas is my favorite time of year but this Christmas has me wanting to sleeping while my eyes are open needless to say it kicked my butt lol. I am truely blessed with amazing family but planning to visit all family can be a bit much. My parents are separated they’ve been separated since I was born. So that is 2 families to visit and now we add my boyfriend’s family it makes 3 families to visit every Christmas.

I love all my family and I try every year to accommodate all their plans but sometimes it’s a fail lol. This year event wise it worked out but it made Christmas day into Christmas week. Sunday at my dad’s, Monday with my mom’s family, Tuesday intimate Christmas at home and today dinner with my boyfriend’s family.

Getting the kids ready for an event these last few days is a challenge lol keeping their clothes clean, the drives can be a bit much for them and ALL THE CHRISTMAS DESSERTS has these kiddos on a sugar high 🤯🤣. And opening presents for 4 days straight can’t be good for their spoiled rotten syndrome lmao. Inspite of the mayhem I can’t help but have all the feels. My family loves my kids so much and seeing my grandparents faces when they get to spend time with their great grandkids fills my heart. Seeing my kids play with their cousins is just something we don’t do that often because of the distance so it becomes all worth it for me.

Having my personal struggles can make for a crappy mood and I just wish I didn’t let it get in my way but the drives, cold weather and the constant running around has my knee and lower back ready to give out and I hope a bad flare up doesn’t happen right now during the holidays.

Anywho it was an extra special holiday this year, my dad lives in the bay and most of you know I do not drive the freeway, my boyfriend had a sinus infection and wasn’t able to take me so my little sister drove me, my sister got to meet my other siblings on my dad’s side she got to put faces to people that I talked about growing up, because of bad blood my sisters who are the same age just 1 month apart were never allowed to meet….until now 😃 we’re grown ups now and I surprised my dad’s family and brought my mama’s daughter. Well she was well received and more than welcomed. God is good and Christmas is about coming together and that is what we did.

My dad’s daughter, me, my mama’s daughter. My sisters❤

Christmas was very tight this year and I hope next year we can do it bigger but I am grateful for another year I hope my son is able to make next Christmas a little easier on me so we can go out and do Christmas in the park, church, do some charity work but for now we did our best and we were able to be with family this year. Count your blessings and Merry Christmas 🌲💚

God Bless

-irene

Isaiah 9:6

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

New Year’s is Approaching 🎉

Like most people this time of year brings up the topic of self reflection how we see ourselves who we are and where we want to be. I, like most women struggle with self acceptance it is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. Now that I have my own daughter I don’t want her to see that struggle, I don’t ever want her to struggle with her questioning her self worth.

Growing up my mom always said “no eres fea tienes un cara bein bonita” which means your aren’t ugly you have a beautiful face. But I believe self worth is much more than beauty, I want my daughter to recognize her beauty both inside and out. Beauty is more than a pretty face, it’s a beautiful heart for her self and others. So with that being said, I want to start the new year strong and I am determined to follow through with all my goals with God’s blessing I will be successful.

1. Be a better role model for my kids.

Meaning I will do positive self talk and remind my son and daughter that they are special human beings with beautiful hearts.

2. I will yell less and practice MORE patience.

Most people that know me know I am a very patient person and that I love children, BUT my kids know how to push my buttons it’s insane, they have started to copy my yelling behavior and I feel that if I want to create patient adults it starts with me 😪

3. I will read a book to them everyday.

When my daughter was an only child I use to read to her almost daily and I would read multiple books to her at a time. When my son was born I became a hot exhausted mess but I am determined to change that.

4. Loose 40 pounds & take my new diet more seriously.

I have been on my anti-inflammatory diet now for almost 2 months and it has helped me loose 9 pounds, but I have had a little problem letting go of some foods and finding filling recipes. I hope I can loose another pound at the end of them month putting me at 10 pounds to end the year strong and start the year off on a good note I hope to loose 40 pounds in 2019. I have my spinal injections in January followed with physical therapy so new diet, new exercises, new me. I hope to loose 50 pounds in total putting me at 144 I am very determined and I can’t wait to reach my final goal. ❤ I want to not only feel beautiful on the outside but also find some relief for my joints and loosing weight will help do so.

5. No steroids and pain killers!

This year was a tough year last new years I lost my job due to declining health and ability to do my job, I spent a whole year trying new steroids and pain killers to manage this illness but none of them gave me relief and functional stability like changing my diet did so no more! Unless it is absolutely necessary.

6. Read and write.

This may not seem like a goal but trust me when you have kids any activity that doesn’t involve your kids is difficult to achieve lol.

What are your goals/resolutions for 2019?

Comment below😘

-irene

8 Days 3 toddlers 🤯

I’m late on posting this but I am just all over the place Christmas is around the corner, I have so much wrapping to do, still adjusting to the move and now my son is sick 😂🤣, any who last Wednesday was the last day I had 3 toddlers!

My step dad is in the middle of a messy custody battle for his 2 year old daughter, I won’t get into details about his private life but he had his 2 year old for 2 weeks. She was fairly sick she was lacking iron she also had an ear and throat infection. So, my step dad asked if I could do him the favor of watching her while she gets better and also while the judge approved his court order. (Plus he offered to pay for my nails if I did 😂)

Well most of you know that I already have 2 toddlers of my own so taking on another one made me nervous especially since it is winter and I was nervous of another arthritis flare up but when family needs help you help the best you can.

So day 1 went smooth my step sister is very chill which is a change of pace because my son is an emotional wreck and my daughter is in the sassy phase so she was no trouble. What was hard and had me ready for bed by 6pm is the clean up! 3 toddlers definately make messes both unintentionally and on purpose. Sharing was also a major issue, my sister had toys and my kids had toys that they each didn’t want to share with one another so that was a cry fest. Running errands were EXHAUSTING waking up hauling 3 little people out the door loading them into their carseats was a mess. I was just a complete mess lol my daughter kept cutting it close all week to make it on time for school 😫. Then I needed to get some groceries from Costco so again loading and unloading kids and groceries navigating the massive heavy cart with my bad back was just tiring I was ready for bed the second I got home, but I get home and the whole routing begins again unloading kiddos and groceries. Ugh just thinking about it hurts my back lmao.

I have so much respect for moms with multiple toddlers, I have 2 but I know their are mothers out their with more and yall are wonder women. I can not imagine having to take care of 3 children so close in age. My son is 2 my step sister is 2 weeks older then him and then my 3 year old, it was a crazy experience. I got the chance to bond with my step sister more and my children had a blast having her home for more then a few days.

My daughter gets a long so well with her so this whole experience was an absolute joy for her. But I am glad I’m back down to my 2 cry babies 😂 because I can barely keep up with their mess and emotional breakdowns as it is.

-irene 😘

Always Running Late 😪

For as long as I can remember I have been a procrastinator, and it has followed me into motherhood. I have been doing a challenge with a couple friends where I have to wake up an hour earlier than I usually do and use that hour for myself, and it made a huge difference all around I woke up early got ready for the day I felt confident being showered and all done up for the day it helped with my mood too. Well it went well the first 4 weeks then I fail lol. These last 2 weeks my daughter has BARELY made it to school on time 😫😫. No More! Ever since the move which was on the 1st by the way, I just got completely thrown off my schedule and it is making me a literal zombie.

Now that my daughter is on vacation I can focus on getting back into my routine so I can stop feeling guilty for running around like a headless chicken qlong with my littles and feel more put together rather than stressed.

A goal for 2019 is to be 3 steps ahead of the game I need to be on top of things if I expect my kids to be functional contributing members of society.

-irene😘

Home

Tonight is my last night in my little country house, I’ve lived here for 4 years my daughter only knows this house, aswell as my son.

So many memories, both of my children’s first steps, they have been surrounded by farm animals they don’t know any other lifestyle.

We have outgrown our little home and we move on. I feel sad, I wonder if my kids will remember this place or if it will fade as they get older.

I always moved around as a child I remember many houses many places I’ve lived in, but this small studio on a quiet country road always felt like home.

I’ll leave a seed of my love planted here, I began motherhood in this house, memories I’ll always treasure.

❤